- Abigail Banerji
- Trending Desk
Here is everything you need to know about ghostlighting, a toxic dating trend that is said to be a combination of 'ghosting' and 'gaslighting'.
Let me tell you, dating these days feels like navigating a maze of memes, WhatsApp forwards and endless swipe‑right options. And just when you think you have a handle on the newer buzzwords, another one pops up – ghostlighting. I first heard the term in a group chat with my friends from Bangalore while we were complaining about a guy who vanished after promising a weekend getaway to Lonavala. The word stuck because it perfectly summed up that weird blend of being ignored and then being made to question every little thing you did.
In modern dating, new terms frequently emerge to highlight the complex and often toxic behaviours people encounter in relationships. Recently, one such term that has been gaining significant attention is ghostlighting. This blends two harmful practices, ghosting and gaslighting, into a single, deeply unsettling experience.
Notably, ghosting is considered the act of abruptly cutting off communication without providing any explanation, while gaslighting involves psychological manipulation, making a person doubt their own perceptions, memories, or feelings. When combined, these behaviours create ghostlighting.
Ghostlighting: What It Means?
So, what does ghostlighting actually look like? Imagine you are chatting with somebody on Instagram, you both exchange a few jokes about the latest IPL match, you even plan a meet‑up at a popular dhaba near Pune. Suddenly, they stop replying. No “hey, sorry, I’m busy”. Nothing. Just silence. That is classic ghosting.
Now, add a twist. Before they go silent, they start subtly shifting blame onto you – saying you were “always too busy”, or “never seemed interested”. When they finally disappear, you are left feeling that maybe you really were at fault. That feeling of self‑doubt is the gaslighting part. Combine both, and you have ghostlighting – where the silent treatment is wrapped in a layer of mental manipulation.
In this toxic dating trend, people manipulate their partners into doubting themselves before abruptly cutting off communication. Ultimately, this leaves the victim both confused and emotionally destabilised, making it more harmful than ghosting alone since it erodes trust and self‑worth.
How Does Ghostlighting Work?
Before cutting off communication, the person slowly shifts the blame onto their partner. This means that the victim might already feel responsible for the breakup by the time they stop communicating with each other.
According to USA Today, ghostlighters drop all communication only to reinitiate contact later to pretend as if nothing ever happened. Making things worse, they even try to gaslight the victim into believing that there was no ghosting in the first place.
Amy Chan told the news outlet that these people don’t acknowledge their withdrawal and may minimise it or offer misleading explanations.
“Instead of owning it, they brush it off like it’s no big deal and then make an excuse like ‘it seemed like you were super busy so I didn’t want to bother you’,” Amy Chan said.
“What makes it different from simple ghosting is the psychological twist. Ghosting is avoidance. Ghostlighting adds distortion by manipulating the facts so you doubt your own reality,” Amy Chan added.
In most cases, after a week or two of nowhere‑to‑be‑found silence, the ghostlighter may ping you with a “hey, how are you?” message, acting as if they never vanished. By then, you may have replayed every chat, wondered if you said something wrong, or even started checking your own messages for hidden clues. That’s exactly the point – they want you to question your own memory.
From my own experience, I once got a “hey, sorry I was offline” after three weeks of radio silence. The tone was casual, like we were just resuming a regular conversation. It felt jarring, and I found myself asking, “Did I really do something that bad that they couldn’t even tell me?” That lingering doubt is what makes ghostlighting a silent scar.
How To Recognise Ghostlighting?
In the early stage of a relationship, experts believe that people should pay more attention to behaviour than words.
Dating coach Blaine Anderson advises asking a few questions about a potential partner’s actions. Is your partner showing up when they say they will? Are they communicating consistently?
“If someone disappears and later returns without acknowledging it or apologising, it’s worth addressing. Do you really want to be with someone who might repeat that behaviour?" Blaine Anderson said.
Further, Amy Chan suggests that people confront the situation in a calm manner rather than ignoring it.
“If you’re on the receiving end of ghostlighting, do not smooth it over. If someone resurfaces after disappearing, name it calmly. ‘When you stopped responding, I took that as a lack of interest and a lack of communication.’ Then pause and see how they handle it. Do they acknowledge it and take responsibility? Or do they deflect and minimise?" USA Today quoted Amy Chan as saying.
From a friend’s point of view, when she started receiving “hey, long time no chat” texts from a guy who had ignored her for a month, she felt a knot in her stomach. She remembered the earlier excuses he gave – “you seemed too busy”, “maybe we’re not on the same page”. Those little red flags added up, and she realised she was being ghostlit.
In practice, look out for these signs: sudden stoppage of messages after a period of frequent chat, excuses that shift blame onto you, and later attempts to restart conversation without any acknowledgement of the break. If you notice a pattern, it’s a strong hint that ghostlighting might be at play.
What To Do If You Spot Ghostlighting?
First, give yourself a moment. It’s okay to feel irritated, sad or even angry. Those emotions are natural when someone plays with your perception.
Then, as Blaine Anderson suggests, address it directly but calmly. You could say, “I noticed we stopped talking for a few weeks. Was there something I did?” This forces the other person to either acknowledge their behaviour or reveal that they are avoiding the issue.
If they keep deflecting, as Amy Chan points out, it’s a sign they are not ready to own up. In that case, consider stepping back. Remember, you don’t owe anyone an explanation for protecting your own mental peace.
On a personal level, after experiencing ghostlighting, I started documenting my conversations in a simple note‑taking app. When the next person tried the same trick, I could point to the exact dates and messages. It gave me confidence to say, “Here’s what actually happened, and I’m not comfortable continuing if you can’t be honest.”
Another practical step – lean on friends or family. In India, many of us discuss relationships over chai with our close circle. Sharing what happened often brings clarity; someone might say, “Hey, that’s classic ghostlighting. Don’t let them mess with your head.” This social support can be the buffer you need.
Lastly, if the pattern repeats with different people, it might be worth reflecting on your own boundaries. Are you giving the benefit of the doubt too quickly? Setting clear expectations early – for example, “I appreciate open communication, even if it’s just to say you’re busy” – can deter some ghostlighters.
Why Ghostlighting Feels Worse Than Ghosting Alone
Ghosting alone is painful – you’re left wondering what went wrong. But ghostlighting adds a layer of self‑doubt. Imagine you’re already stressed about a job interview in Delhi, and then the person you liked disappears and later tells you it was all your fault because you were “always distant”. That extra mental twist can affect your confidence not just in love, but in other parts of life too.
Psychologists say this mix can lead to deeper anxiety and even affect self‑esteem. While we can’t bring in fresh studies, the pattern observed by experts like Amy Chan clearly indicates that the emotional damage is amplified when the silence is paired with blame‑shifting.
In my own circle, a few friends talked about how after being ghostlit, they started second‑guessing their own messages for weeks, searching for hidden meanings that never existed. That lingering uncertainty is what makes ghostlighting uniquely toxic.
Final Thoughts: Moving Forward With Awareness
At the end of the day, the rise of ghostlighting is just another reminder that we need to stay alert in the digital dating era. It’s not about becoming paranoid; it’s about recognising when someone tries to mess with your reality.
If you ever find yourself questioning whether you really said something wrong, or whether the silence is a deliberate game, remember the signs we discussed. Trust your gut, keep a record of chats if it helps, and don’t be afraid to call out the behaviour.
And maybe, just maybe, the next time someone tries to ghost‑light you, you’ll have a ready answer – “I noticed you stopped talking and then tried to act like nothing happened. I deserve clear communication, not confusion.” That kind of straightforward response can cut through the manipulation and protect your own peace.
So, whether you’re swiping right on a dating app in Hyderabad or meeting someone for coffee in Mumbai, keep these pointers handy. After all, a healthy relationship should feel like a comfortable conversation, not a mind‑game.
